I am a very healthy eater, but todays CONFESSION is..... sadly, I like chicken polony. I honestly do.

Goals need to be put in writing in order to achieve them. Then we need to weekly/monthly/yearly review them, depending on what the goal is.

1 corinthians:9-26 NIV Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
 NLT So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing.
Pr 3.6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

This week's goals.

• eat less bread
• keep up the journalling
• keep up the quiet time. Aim for 3-4 times, lest I fail and punish myself.
• keep thinking of ways to spend less. ( very hard), but i must put this in writing.
• eat only 1 portion of food at meal times. (no second helpings)

Last week:

• Last month I decided not to buy blue "water" toilet freshener. My toilet does not need to flush dark blue water. But for years I have done this as I dont like to see what is "in" the toilet. However, temptation was so great that as I walked down the household disenfectant isle, I bought one. This week, my blue loo, ran out, and so I have sent Rob shopping with the list to help kick this habit.

• I failed badly on the bread issue. Try again this week.

Going through the cleansing fire.

At the beginning of the year something major happened to me spiritually. I liken it to being a balloon, but instead of being full of air, I was full of pride and lets add ice water. When this bubble burst, I found myself sitting in a puddle of ice water and being very broken in deed. I know its a terrible metaphor but its the best I can do this early in the morning. Another way of looking at it is to say that once again, I have been through a phase of pruning.
I also completed the Ancient Paths course, and this was profound, and as deep roots of "stuff", were exposed, they too were removed. Its very painful to experience.

My thought for the day is to try put Christ first today. Not easy as my head is full of the demands of business and school term ending today. I hope to put one foot in front of me and follow the cross.

Time to take charge of my health

I so wanted to sit and finish my pruning blogs but I need lots of time and contemplation, and as a working mum, that doesnt happen often.

I was thinking the other day about " how much do i blog for myself vs how much do I blog for others". And I think the latter is higher. I want to change that. I want to put my thoughts down for me. If someone reads it then that is cool. Its a tricky thing to do.

Here goes......
I get sick alot due to a low immune system, but Lord, I notice that I remind myself a lot that I catch every bug that passes me and I remind myself that I have a low immune system.
I want to change this. Lord, you nailed death to the cross, and yet I live as a defeatest in the area of my health.

So, I am going to write a sticky note on the inside of my bathroom cabinet.  Every day I will look at this and remind myself at least 25 times that "My immune system is getting stronger and stronger and stronger" I will also remind myself that I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.
I believe in the power of positive thinking, but I dont put it into practise. I once read a book on the power of positive thinking, so perhaps I need to dig it out and remind myself that I dont need to live as a woe me..poor sick Karen......

John 15, and the great garden shears............

John 15 sums up what I have been going through.......while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
I thought I understood what John 15 meant,but to experience it was a whole different matter.

It was not like walking through fire, nor going through a desert place, or being stripped of self and flesh,it was a very painful pruning.

I live by works. I work hard, am a good girl, do what is right ( or at least try to) and I always have. I have always strived, pushed myself and am very hard on myself if I fail. There is no doubt in my mind that when it comes to my faith, this applies as well. Often we get told that works= just doing things to please man or God. In my mind this may be to some people but not me. To me, I do what I do because I love God.

Lets give you an example: Arent we told that we need to read the bible daily. So that is what I would do. No matter if I felt like it or not. The same goes for praying. Some days I just dont feel like going through my prayer list. Pray for hubby, pray for kids, bless and praise the Lord, prayer for me etc etc.

Here is what I think happened. Because I do what is right, dont you think that makes me a good Christian? After all, I love God wholeheartedly and try to follow his ways. Can you see what began to creep into my life. Yep, its PRIDE.
What was so hard for me to see is that BECAUSE I love the Lord, I could not see the pride. After all, God was talking to me so loudly, in songs, in the word, through my heart, and I could see how far along the good path I was travelling that I had just become spiritually full of myself.

In December God started to take things away. I will continue my tale in the next blog post.

Severe Pruning

Its been a very long time since I blogged regularly. I have been through a very intense pruning phase that has lasted more than 4 months. 

I have been very sensitive and had retreated into a very quiet space. It was so tough that I barely went to church and could not face anything to do with mentoring ( our small ladies group) or blogging.Until now,  I  could not share what I was going through.

Oh dear, the kids want a bath. Guess I will have to continue with this when I get a gap.

The chalk board

 I wrote yesterdays bible verse on my chalk board. I have a big chalk board painted  on my kitchen wall as I had become very forgetful since having kids. It looks very trendy and the kids love doodling on it. I am going to look at the verse all the time ( i have been doing so already), and this is my mediation verse for as long as it is necessary.

I phoned the Dr, and we are going to have a chat on Monday. I think that perhaps my bipolar med need to be adjusted for this period.

On Sunday I planned this weeks menu. I have never done that before. One of my new years resolutions was to stop going to the shops all the time. I tried to match meals where I could use the veg from the one day to the next. ie spare carrots into the pie etc. Another resoultion was to introduce more veg into our meals, and pre planning seemed the best way to do it.
Last night I made a chicken and veg pie. It was awful. I was more than disappointed as it took a great deal of effort to do. The chicken stock was so overpowering that it spoilt everything and so the dogs got the supper and we got to eat the rice. I then had to make everyone scrambled eggs!

Rob cooked spaghetti Bolognase. Cant go wrong with that, except Jordan knocked hers all over the floor. Happy dogs again tonight!

Well, guess what! its 8pm, and my show starts in 30 min. I am going to read the bible now. The best part is that I want to.

Praise be to God!

Grace and the Harvest

I woke up this morning late for church. The kids had gone to sleep over at the in-laws, a first in 2 yrs. My body has been so tired from a hard week being up 3-4 times a night with Adam being a bit sick, and so I must have really needed the rest.

I sat in bed, all alone, drinking my coffee, in a wonderfully quiet house, thinking of our Abba Father, and noticing that I have been in utter peace for while.
I haven't been praying as much, nor reading my bible everyday, nor is my day filled with its usual worship. Yet, still I walk in peace. It dawned on me that am in a state of Grace.

Our God is a good God, a faithful God and a loving God. Here I am, thinking because I am not "doing" what I usually 'do", I should not be allowed to feel this way, so restful, so wonderful.

The Lord showed me a picture of a harvest, and it all made sense. Yes,its harvest time for us. We have sown the seeds for our business, planted and watered and now its time to put our heads down and work, work work. And for the last 2 months I have worked non-stop.

We have a very limited window period in which we can work with Great White Sharks, as its very seasonal, and in spite of the global recession we have been busier than ever.

Its noon now,and I am about to go outside, still in my pj's, and just enjoy the winter sun. I am so lucky to be a daughter of the most high and I am really looking forward to quietly praise Him, in this rare solitude.

Dear God....what a terrible thing to happen

Woman arrested for killing kids
22/05/2009 09:49 - (SA)

East London - A 40-year old woman has been arrested for the murder of her two young children, the Dispatch reported on Friday.

The two sisters, aged 7 and 9, were found strangled in their mother's bakkie parked near Kayser's Beach on Thursday afternoon.

The mother had earlier called a friend and told her she planned to kill her children.

"It was her friend who alerted the police, but when we got to Kayser's Beach we could not find her," said police spokesperson Superintendent Mtati Tana.

"We tried calling her to talk her out of it, but by the time we got hold of her along the road it was too late. The kids were dead and she was also bleeding because she had slit her wrists,"

I sit here wondering what was going through this woman's mind. I too have suffered from such a deep depression that I wanted to end my life. But to take your kids with you is a completely different story all together.
Then, to strangle them! Dear God in Heaven. That is the most personal way of killing someone. Shooting is impersonal, but to put your own hands around your kids neck.....Oh my God!

She is alive. Her kids are dead. Her hell is now to sit in jail for the rest of her life knowing what she did.

Why am I posting this story? I honestly don't know. Maybe its because I am a mom and it has gone deep into my soul, that a mom can do this.

This morning I got so cross with my little ones that I yelled and said stuff that was very unloving. I immediately realised this and sorted myself out, and gave them the love they deserve. After all, my behaviour was childish and I am an adult and must behave like one. Its easy to lash out at our kids, after all, they can drive you crazy.

Moms, go give your kids some extra love today. Hug them, hold them, and tell them that you love them. They are not ours, even if they are with us for a life time.
They are precious gifts from God and we need to treat them that way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

Dont quiet fit in anywhere

Today I went to a friends birthday party. She had about 10 gals for wine/tea/scones/snacks.

She had two distinctive camps of friends there. The first was her "hippie" friends. (Cape Town is full of hippie-alternative people). The other were incredibly conservative Christian.

The problem lay with the fact that I am the odd one out. I really don't fit into either group. Now the hippie group of ladies seemed such fun, and I was drawn to them. Unfortunately I had absolutely nothing to say to them. I could say to my yoga teacher who was there, "nice class this morning", but that is where it ends.I don't understand hippies, the way they dress puzzles me as it generally looks awful, and they kinda look unkempt and dishevelled half the time. Well, that's in my opinion anyway!

I could chat a bit about Christianity to the other ladies, where do you go to church, what do you see 2009 holding for you? But, that is also where it ended. Trying to make conversation was like "pulling teeth".

This is also the same problem for me in my life! I belong to a wonderful church. It is very Charismatic and I love it,but I find the people incredibly conservative, and Oh so BORING!!! I feel like the black sheep when I am with them. I stay, because God has led me there and I feel that I am not called to move house.( ps. I have been there 6 yrs now and have 1 friend, the above birthday gal!)

My "old" friends, I have cut ties with as I did not fit into that worldly lifestyle either, so I am really struggling to meet "normal" fun loving people who are crazy about Jesus!

Lord if your reading my post, I have prayed about this over and over. Please answer my prayers!!

Blood is life

I have spent thousands of rands, I shudder to think how much, in the last 5 yrs of being ill with Chronic Fatigue.

Last month I tried yet another doctor, as I just never seem to improve. I have been to all sorts of holistic doctors, " normal GP's", each hoping that they have the magic pill. This new doctor treats you by looking at your blood.

With looking at a tiny drop of my blood under a microscope, she could tell so much about me. As she is a holistic doc, my husband was very sceptical. He had had quiet enough of this "hocus pocus" that I believe in.

I have spent the last three weeks drinking strange tea infusions like parsley and green bean, and eating mainly vegetables (with a little meat,I am not a vegetarian and would miss my chicken) and staying away from bread. I was also given some interesting tablets available at the health shop that I could barely pronounce.

Yesterday, I went for another finger prick. The difference was astounding. I was flawed.Gone was most of the uric crystals that make your body acidic, gone was most of the food particles ( meaning the GIT was absorbing like it should) and the little cells where swimming nicely as they should. What amazed me most was the walls of the little red blood cells where thicker and healthier and there where less "dying" cells.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that I am not hopelessly exhausted. Tired all the time, yes, but exhausted NO.

Thank you Jesus! When I think of blood, I think of Christ on the Cross, shedding His blood for me. I now realise that I seriously need to watch what I eat. I had back-slidden badly, eating lots of wheat filled food, and having sugar again in my diet, and not sticking to a high fruit and veg diet. I am not a normal person, and thus cannot eat like a normal person can. I need to keep "my blood" healthy, in order to live the best life possible.
We still have a long way to go, but I feel really positive now.

If anyone suffers from chronic fatigue, I would love to hear from you.

Watering Marigold seeds

Jordan (3) and I planted some Marigold seeds earlier this week. We had such fun digging the little furrows, planting the seeds and watering them. We prayed for Jesus to turn these seeds into beautiful flowers to Glorify His name. (I am really trying to bring Christ into every day life with my kids.)
Everyday so far we have gone to water them and pray over them.

On Thursday they started to sprout. Jordan was so excited and ran up to me saying "mommy mommy come look". Again we thanked Jesus. (Just in time as she got distracted and ran away!)

I love being in my garden, (not that I am very good at gardening!) It brings me such peace.I just want to thank God for His awesome hand in creation. Every where I turn their He is, and creation calls to Him.

I emailed a good friend who lives in Australia a recent post of my blog. She said my son looks like cheeky.
Yes,I think I agree on this, that he is going to be a cheeky bugger. Today we went to the shops and Adam went on a little mechanical toy pay ride. You know the type,that goes up and down,(a horse, a car etc)and they last about a minute or so. After the third ride we had to go. Boy oh boy did I see the biggest tantrum yet! These huge tears poured down his chubby cheeks. He tried to curl up in the little car ride and then hugged it. I had to peel him off. He then screamed bloody blue murder for about 5 minutes straight.

I deal with tantrums by ignoring them. Completely! However being in a shopping centre full of Christmas shoppers, this was no easy feat. After a minute or so of screaming, we had begun to attract a small audience.I am sure most of them thought "cant that woman just shut that kid up". I marched him to the ladies toilets, changed his nappy,(he was still screaming), only now it was being echoed through out the stalls, and popped him back into the shopping trolley.

Praise the Lord! My husband arrives. We swop children and head for the nearest exit. Alas no shopping was done today.

What did I learn today. Well I have been praying for patience recently. Today, He gave me the opportunity!! God has a funny sense of humour. Gotta love Him!!

My Christmas present

I have been blogging for a while now and it has been a lonely road. A few days ago I decided to retype in Christian woman blogs, and hey presto, a site called Top 100 Christian blogs popped up. It was as if I had just walked into a treasure chest. Lots of really beautiful sites, rich in Christ and full of experience where unveiled to me. What a joy!

Lord you are so good to me. Thank you for the little blessings you shower me with. Teach me to open my eyes to see more of your gifts you have in store for me. Help me to walk this road with my head up, and not looking at my feet.

Family

We went to the beach this morning.It was great. Spending time with the family, frolicking in the waves and making sure the baboons didn't eat our picnic was all part of the fun

I looked at my family and realised how blessed I am. I don't often think about this. I take my family for granted a lot, but today I realised how great we are as a family. I thank God for this.

Last night I was in a really foul mood with my husband.I felt unloved, mistreated and ignored. Today I saw that none of this is true! I am very much loved, but I think we just need to communicate more. I dusted off my book Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, and will re-read it as this book is an excellent guide to understanding Martians.

Celebration of Woman of God

I received an evaluation form to fill out in which I had to evaluate our small ladies Mentoring group, and If I felt "Mentoring ladies" had had an impact in my life this year. At first, I didn't really think so, and I didn't have much to write about.

On Wednesday evening I went to our Mentoring Ladies end of year Gala. Almost all the ladies from the small groups where there, about 90 of us. After supper, it was time to hear various ladies testimonies. The topic was exactly what I was struggling to write about in my evaluation form. I heard about 15 woman thank God. Marriages and relationships had been restored, friendships had blossomed and grown, relationships with the Lord had deepened, hearts had been healed etc. I was so touched as I listened that the tears poured down my cheeks and I kept blowing my nose like a fog horn.
The Lord was stripping pride and, I had been gently reminded of Gods love for us. Isn't God Great! He is such a restorer.

He reminded me of my first mentoring group I had joined. I was a very broken woman, carrying lots of hurt from the past, and to be honest I was a prickily thorn. This small group created a safe place for me to lower high walls and to begin to experience the Father heart of God.

Now I no longer walk in shame,condemnation and with severe insecurities. I am a changed woman, set free by the blood of Jesus, and it was through mentoring this change occured. I look back at our group this year, and realise how much I have helped others in my group. From a needy woman, I have been able to help those in need.So, as I am about to fill in my evaluation form,I have got a good report to write down.

The Lord is my Shepard

I was so tired yet could not sleep so I started meditating.

I meditated on a few verses of Psalm 23. I pictured myself as a sheep being lead to green pastures. I visualised laying under a big shady tree, feeling the cool grass on my skin. I heard a stream running close by.I just rested and rested under that tree.

I kept thinking about the Shepard looking after me, and I did not need to worry about anything whilst I rested a while.
It was such a peaceful experience. I think I rested more in that state, than I would have had I been sleeping.

Thank you Jesus that you really are my good Shepard. I wish I could feel such utter peace every day and not let worldly worries get to me. My prayer today is that I look to you in my day to day activities and focus on what is good, pure and true, walking in peace and love, especially with my husband and my kids. Amen.

The pilgrimage

The path I am on is not a new path at all, but in this day and age it seems new as the practices are not very common today.

When I first felt called to prayer, I felt that I was doing something wrong as I wanted to pray in silence, and so I have been lead towards contemplative prayer, which is embracing that silence and learning to Listen to God.

I began to be a regular church goer about 6 yrs ago. I had been brought up a Catholic but when I went to a Charismatic church one day, I felt as if I had truly "come home". I loved the vibrancy of the worship and the pastors where so down to earth and real. Under this church I have grown to know and love the Lord with all my heart.

Now, as I am being called to stillness, meditation, fasting and other old disciplines, I wonder am I being lead way from the Charismatic, or am I meant to embrace both?

Last night I prayed that I would have the strength to go to church today. I woke up tired, but not exhausted, so I am thrilled. I want to meet God today. I want to go with a sense of expectation, expecting........

The fire is out.

Where my soul once rejoiced with joy now I am flat with exhaustion.
The fire has died.
The warm coals have turned to cold ash, and all that is left in the hearth is the remains of what once was.

If I have sinned, show me the error of my ways so I may repend and be brought back into your council.

Lord, we seemed so close on holiday. You spoke reams and volumes to me. Your word was alive and everything seemed to jump out the pages.

Now I feel like I am falling apart.
I cannot go on like this with this constant utter exhaustion.
My emotions are drained.
I cant even have our continuous daily chats as I am so tired.
My brain has literally switched off.

I am scared.
I need you.
You feel so close, yet so far, and I dont like that feeling.
My prayer life has dried up.

Its been a week now and I want to turn back the clock.
I am desperate for you Lord.
Lord, Lord, Father, Help!

The Authority of Christ

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Authority of Christ

Last night I had a real break through in my prayer life.
I had a symbolic vision of a side of a house being built a while ago and the cement had dried firmly, but it had taken a long time. I sensed that if weight had been placed on it earlier on, it would have collapsed. This symbolized my faith. I may have desired to move forward in my prayer life (as this is my gifting area), but the Lord knew I was not ready.

In my quiet time last night I was praying and was lead to 2 Cor 4:13. It is written- I believed therefore I have spoken, with the same spirit of faith, we believe and therefore we speak.
That verse was a revelation scripture for me and I was filled with such authority as never before and a real step up in a new level of faith. Up to vs 18, was confirmation of what I have been wrestling with for the last few weeks. When I went into warfare prayer later on, I spoke with such conviction and authority as never before. I had always struggled in warfare prayer as even though the Word says we have the authority to pull down principalites and cast out demons and more, in Jesus' name, I just did not believe that I could and when I tried to I just felt phony. This was the first time that I knew that I knew that I am victorious in Christ, and if felt great.

Afterwards I just thanked God and gave Him the praise and Glory, called him Jehovah Nisi, for He really was my victorious banner.