Has the olive tree died?

I think I may be suffering from depression again. I am not to sure when it started as it has crept up slowly upon me.
At first I thought it was a spiritual dry patch I am going through. I havent wanted to pray, nor talk to God nor even read my bible daily.
For those who know me, this is very unlike me. Then I noticed my moods shifting. I have become increasingly sensitive and jumpy, and many of the things my husband has said has been wrong or offensive to me. The strange thing about that is perhaps that is true, but before hand I wouldn't notice or it wouldn't bother me so.
I don't even wish to talk to God about this! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

I will write a bit more tomorrow, as this started before my mom died two weeks ago, but was that the straw that broke the camels back?

Winter wonderland

Been going through the book "prayer" by Richard Foster. This is a heavy book to read and so I am going through it in stages as I feel the H/S promptings.

Just finished the chapter called Formative prayer, which is the process of transformation to be Christ like.

He opens with this, which I fell in love with....The primary purpose of prayer is to bring us into such a life of communion with the Father that by the power of the Spirit we are increasingly conformed to the image of the Son. Isn't that such a beautiful way of summing up prayer.

He talks about how in our walk of eagerly pursuing God, we are slowly moulded and shaped bit by bit, IF we allow ourselves to be.

In fact as I read this chapter I saw myself, and realised that this chapter is where I am in life. How I am being drawn into Solitude. How I am being stripped away of all I hold dear to me, and also of parts of me, branches, you could say, that are dead.

I realise how much pride I have in me. I was so proud that "my calling" is prayer.contemplative, meditative prayer.Now I cant even pray the simplest prayer. There is no desire, nothing, its all flat flat flat. I began to think that that I was "so special" because I heard constantly from God. Now it feels like everything I say bounces and echo's back to me.

Its been months and months now like this. However I know that I am bathed in grace. I can feel it, sense it, KNOW it. God is good. He is loving, and He is kind. I am being held at an arms length, but its Him who is doing the holding and I am safe.

Richard Foster calls this the Blessedness of Winter.To the outward eye everything looks barren and unsightly. Our many defeats, flaws, weaknesses and imperfections stand our in bold relief. ( and in my eyes they are so glaring). But only the outward virtues have collapsed, the principle of virtue is actually being strengthened.
The soul is venturing forth into the interior. Real solitude,enduring virtues begin to develop deep within. Pure love is being birthed.

I cant claim this as my own as I feel nothing.As painful as this is, I must accept that this is where I am and humbly as God that through Christ, our Lord, that He continue the good work that He started.

I declared simply to God last night that I loved Him so much. He answered gently but loudly...Love is not enough, You (Karen) have to be obedient.

and HE replied to today's post.

Isaiah 41.17

Karen, when you search for water and their is none, and your tongue is parched from thirst, THEN, I the Lord will answer you.

I the God of Israel will open up rivers for you.
I will give you fountains of water in the valley.
I will fill the desert with water.

to confirm this He then lead me to Psalm 84 vs5

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion. [2]
6 As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

I looked up the word Baca. It is weeping,suffering or hardship

I know that I am meant to be in this desert. I know that the rain will come.

The difference now is my attitude. It doesn't matter any more, WHEN it will end. I know that it will, I stand firm on the word and I will be like that elephant and dig deeper into the dry river bed for water.