Do I really trust God...really really?

Each Monday I have been fasting for my business and those in our small ladies group. Almost all of us own our businesses and in these economic times, its more important than ever to be praying over your work.

Fasting has been part of my life now for just over two months. Some mornings I sit and wonder exactly how I am going to pray and how to start the day properly focusing on God as this still doesnt come easy for me.

Fasting must center on God. It should draw us closer to God, where we will experience a deeper relationship

with Him. Like Anna, in Luke 2:37, we should be “worshiped night and day, fasting and praying.” This continual part is what I struggle with as I am a really busy  mom, and to be very honest, sometimes I only have a time for God. 

But this is what is required if we are to properly fast. Our eyes must be lifted from our circumstances and our prayers must be God centered before we focus on the reason for fasting. It is then that the Holy Spirit starts to move and work in our life.

Fasting reveals the things that control us. I find this very interesting how as we start focusing on God, he starts to focus on us.  You see, we tend to cover up what is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface. If pride controls us, it will be revealed almost immediately. David said,

“I put on sackcloth and humbled myself with fasting.” (Psalm 35:13) Anger, bitterness, jealousy, strife, fear - if

they are within us, they will surface during fasting. At first we will rationalize that our anger, for example, is due to our hunger. We will then discover that we are angry not because of hunger, but because the spirit of anger is within us.  

Over the weeks two major things have surfaced. Bitterness and fear. Its the fear that is the reason for this blog. I have become fear based and not faith based. I am filled with worry, anxiety and stress over work and over what I cannot control. What God is showing me is that I do not really trust him in this area. This revelation is one of the most important things I have ever been shown and I am sometimes a bit overwhelmed by the realization of how true it is. I need to express what I am feeling and putting it in writing, I feel is the best way to do this.

Last night I asked myself, do I really trust God with my future? If I look at the above, again the answer is no, as these are all linked. It goes hand in hand. Living in South Africa I am uncertain about my future. Everyday I hear what the government is doing, the policies its changing and introducing and how this is going to affect me. This uncertainty scares me. I cannot properly voice it as well for fear of this being used against my business as we rely on a government permit to operate.This is just one fear, but like a can of fishing earth worms, touch them and they all start wriggling.

And so, this revelation touches the very core of my being and so I ask myself how do I do it. How do I really trust God. I mean really really? 

1 Peter 5:7
Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.

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John 14:27
I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid.

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Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ.

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Psalms 34:17-19
Yes, the Lord hears the good man when he calls to Him for help, and saves him out of all his troubles. The Lord is close to those whose heart is breaking; He rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins. The good man does not escape all troubles - he has them, too. But the Lord helps him in each and every one.

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Isaiah 40:31
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

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John 14:1-3
Let not your heart be troubled. You are trusting God, now trust in Me.

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Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong! Be courageous! Do not be afraid of them! For the Lord your God will be with you. He will neither fail you nor forsake you.

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Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.

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Psalms 112:6-8
Such a man will not be overthrown by evil circumstances. God's constant care of him will make a deep impression on all who see it. He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen. For he is settled in his mind that Jehovah will take care of him. That is why he is not afraid, but can calmly face his foes.

Monday
Fast day. Beginning of the week. Time to put my thoughts together about what I want for this week.
I want more me time, to spend with God.
I want to read the bible more. So, today I am going to dig out my 365 day bible, and even though its July, I must not let that put me off because part of me says you have to start it from the beginning first.
I want to pray more.

Today I ask that the words of my mouth and the mediations of my heart, be pleasing to you oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.( ps. 19.14)
I ask that my eye's be continually drawn to You today and not to the rumbles of my tummy.

Looking back at my journal I notice that one of my recent Monday prayers( 20 June) is: Teach me how to speak kindly to my family. I have noticed that I have a harsh tone with them when I am displeased.
I can see a difference. I am quicker to change my tone when I catch myself talking this way with my kids. I still have a long way to go with my husband. As we both work together, a lot of my grumbling is over work, and the way I talk makes it seem if its his fault. Apparently I also pull my mouth. I am grateful that he is pointing it out, even though "in the moment" I am not. Its not easy to change a habit. Richard Foster (celebration of discipline) says the purpose of prayer is to be continually transformed into the image of God. I love that saying. For me its comforting to know that its a process.

One of the aims of my Monday fast is to pray for our business. This is an area that we should all continually  bathing with the Holy Spirit, especially in these economic times. Its a struggle to hand it over to the Lord as its an area that is very much about me. How hard I work, What I am trying to do and succeed. I, I, I.I hold tightly onto it, and thus hold onto all the worries that go with being self employed.
God says we are to" cast your burdens onto Him, and He will sustain you". ( ps 55.22)

Lyrics Sally De Ford Church Music Contest: Anthem division--Award of Distinction 2005 (version with organ).
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will make it light 
Come unto him, ye heavy laden; find your rest in Christ 
Bring him your sorrows, all your grief 
Lay every weakness at his feet 
He will sustain you, give you peace 
And lead you into life

Cast your burden on the Lord and he will heal your soul 
Place on his altar all your sin and he will bear its toll 
Bring him your blindness born of pride 
Give him your broken heart to bind 
It was for this he bled and died: 
That he might make you whole

Cast your burden on the Lord and he will carry you home 
He will attend you and defend through perils yet unknown 
Put your unwavering trust in him 
Christ, your constant heavenly friend 
Has graven you in the palms of his hands 
And never forsakes his own

My favorite song...I will follow

Our God.

I really do like this song. The only bit I would change is I would remove the "our". Not our God, but God!

My big mouth

Yesterday I had a fight with my hubby over nothing really important, and out of my mouth came such filth that it actually shocked me. But  I was so angry, at him and at myself (for realising that I now had to apologise for what i had said), I didnt want to. It took me over an hour of  wrestling with my emotions before I did so. And then, I messed that up to0. I was still angry over the incident that I said Sorry....but..I am not the only one to blame here.  I couldnt just hold my tongue back, because in my heart I felt that he was to blame for starting the fight.
Pride is a hard emotion to work with. To humble yourself and just say sorry regardless, is an incredibly hard thing to do.


Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Colossians 3:7-9
You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips
 Psalm 4:4
In your anger do not sin;
Proverbs 14:17
A quick-tempered man does foolish things,


I thank God for His word, which brings life, truth, wisdom and knowledge.......and FREEDOM
I still have a long way to go........BUT....I have come a long way to!

Prayer Thursday

Today is my third Thursday that I have dedicated to prayer for my family and friends. I pray that I begin to form  habit of this.

Today Lord, I pray that your show me how to pray for my family and friends.

His word will not return void, but shall accomplish what I please and it shall prosper in the things for which I sent it. Isaiah 55.11

As I sit here I am reminded that Gods compassion is renewed every morning and His faithfulness is great.. The Lords is good to those who hope in Him, to the one who seeks him.

the new house

I just discovered blogging by blackberry, so if my posts grammer and spelling isn't the best, then please forgive me.

The kids are spending their first night in the new house. Downstairs! I must admit I feel aprehensive having my room upstairs. I made sure we got a very good new alarm system with lots of beams as my fear was that someone would get in downstairs. Now I am feeling super secure! I also got two cute passage night lights so they could easily find their way to us.
The move was very stressful and I feel older. Yesterday the wheels fell of the bus and I slept the entire morning and pm until 2.30.
Today a friend came to bring us supper. Such comfort food-macaroni and cheese! God bless her. I just made a little salad to go with it and with a glass of nice red wine I feel much better.

Tomorrow I am getting 2 choc easter lambs. I have taught my little kids about passover and the new covernment and we are going to have roast lamb, unleven bread, red juice for them, and going to break bread. Very symbolic. And don't forget the pickled fish. That is a huge tradition in South Africa. We don't go to sea on good friday. In fact no true sailors will set sail. The choc lamb is for monday. Better than the easter bunny although the egg hunt is a must. I have such fun hiding the eggs. Haven't got a theme for monday. Maybe I should get cow bells, dress the kids in white and march down the road saying Jesus is alive...ha ha ha....one sure way to introduce ourselves to the neighbours.

My health concerns for 2011

I went to the dentist yesterday only to find out that I need root canal have a infection which needs antibiotics to clear it up. Oh joy! 

If you don't know from past posts, i had ME ( am doing so well now) but i still have a very poor immune system, which means that I get sick a lot. Every little bug that comes around during winter i get. Last year, which has a fairly good year, i got tonsillitis, laryngitis, thrush, sinusitis so many times and so i was always on antibiotics and the chemist and i are on first name basis. Being always sick meant that i was stop starting gym and the depression kicked in again, i was super forgetful, and I had to have my bipolar med adjusted.


Towards the end of last year I had sinus surgery. I hope and I pray that it will sort out a lot of the problem. But going on another antibiotic, which means the second lot already for 2011 makes me very unhappy.


I think I want to go back  to a homeopath as I cant face another antibiotic and I do believe it’s the way to go. But I struggle to trust homeopaths as I have been to 3 that haven't really helped much. The one kept trying to play psychologist and I spent three sessions all about my childhood, taking lots of little white powders that didnt help when I thought enough is enough.

I am also very jaded.  When I suffered with ME for years, I spend tens of thousands of rands at homeopaths, naturapaths, alternative doctors, and to be fair, normal GP's. I went wheat free dairy free , I did the "natural way lifestyle" of not mixing  proteins with carbs, I tried vegetarian, smoothies, juicing, etc, ozone therapy, even electrical pulse therapy, yet I was so sick.

I began to suffer from serious depression and had a compete emotional melt down. Eventually I managed to find a Dr that really helps and I am 80% better with the ME,  but the Dr doesn’t believe in alternative medicine.

So, what to do??

This week savings...or not

This weeks savings....all the hand soap ( the ones in the pretty pump bottles), has finished, and so i bought 3 good old fashioned bars of soap. That's around R60 savings.
Bad news.....bought a pair of pumps at Woolies for Jordan that i could have paid half for at Ackermans. Maybe not as pretty, but could have saved around R60. ZERO winnings here today.
I haven't finished last months spread sheet yet and I must do it tomorrow.

Had the beetle and electrical inspector around yesterday. He found a list of faults that he happily attached his quote to. Rob saw red, and has decided to do most of it himself. Some of the  "faults" are ridiculous, for eg we have to earth our electrical gate motor. Its not even connected to the AC power but to DC power or something to that effect my electrician friend said. Wish my electrician was an inspector.

Have to get the phone line transferred to the new place. Panicky that the owner will cancel the line and not keep it open, so i am taking the transfer forms to her place for her to sign tomorrow. I cant risk having my business phone line not working.

Got a quote for a pool net, and still need to get another 2. I found out that some of the paving around the pool needs to be relaid if the net is to hold properly.
Adam's swimming lessons are going well. I am very glad we are taking him 2x a week and he loves it. Hope it will still be warm enough to swim with him next month. And i cannot wait until he can swim properly. Jordan is swimming like a little fish and has her first gala on Saturday. Bless her.

Sunday is a great day to reflect on how one's week has been. Its been almost a month since my last post. Work has been so hectic, and as i sit in front of the computer for most of it, I just could not face doing my blog posts as well.

So, as i continue this theme, i am adding the same scripture to this blog:

1 Corinthians:9-26 NIV Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
 NLT So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing.
Pr 3.6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. 

Sharing some good news, we have finally sold our house. This has been a very hard and stressful time, and the weight of the burden lifted off as if physical weight has been incredible. I truly thank God for being so patient with me, as this has been a test of my faith, hope and strength of character. I think the hardest part was hope, really understanding what it is and how it leads to faith. Also, learning how to forgive myself for making  a financial mistake was hard as we almost were in the situation of having two homes and thus two bonds.

A few weeks before hand I  had signed up for "Ancient Paths, financial seminar", which could not have come at a better time. Learning about the hold mammon has over our lives was really an eye opener, especially in the light of the above situation. I am onto my third month of recording my budget and after next month will be able to sit down and take stock of where I am spending my money and how to go about trimming it.  I am trying hard here.

Jordan had her 5th birthday party yesterday and I have been very careful about my spending for her party. Each child received a party pack, a little bucket with a few sweets and chips and a little toy that was meant for the party. At the end of the day they could go home with the bucket and the toy. We had juice, watermelon, grapes and popcorn on the kids table and of course, the birthday cake a bit later on, and that was it. It was more than enough and i am sure the moms were very grateful that the did not have hyper active sugar ladened kids to take home. There was a water slide that was so much fun and everyone had a great time.
Compared to last year, I did very well on the budget side as I have always over catered. 

My goals for this coming week is to keep getting up early for my quiet time. Last week i didnt manage to do this and i could clearly see the difference and how important it is to start the day with God.