Reflections from the desert

Here is my heart I give it Lord to You
Here is my life I lay it before You
Where else could I go
And what else could I do, if I did not know you?

How deeply I need You my Lord

Like the desert needs the rain......I need You
Like the oceans need the streams.....I need You
Like the morning needs the sun..... I need You

Lord You are my only one
(Darrell Evans)

This echo's my thoughts today.

When I realised God was leading me back into the desert I was angry.
No I was more than angry, I was mad as hell and deeply upset.
Why would He do this to me....again?
Doesn't He know that I have been knocking and knocking on that door, only to get a glimpse of what lay behind it, and now its shut firmly. What kind of loving Father is He?
And so on and so forth went my thoughts.

Then with the desert came the depression.
Come on Lord, give me a break here please.
And with the desert came the chronic fatigue again...and the pain.

Once again I pleaded, Lord give me a break....damn it.

You see, I had been in a beautiful place.
A place where the joy of the Lord was bubbling within me 24/7
I would wake up with a song on my lips and so I would then praise God from that song all day.
I had also been in 24/7 "prayer streaming" mode with Him. We would talk and talk all day and I just basked in the Glow of the Lord....literally.
I could not wait to read the word. Every page came alive for me.

In this phase I just drank deeply from the "well of life" and I loved living.

Now.....argh! The bible is a heavy weight of a book. Prayer is argh...completely dead to me. I have to force myself and remind myself to pray. Force myself to praise Him. My contemplative prayer is gone, as I just have no desire to meditate.

Something in me changed this week end as I pondered over this situation. I remembered the vision of the elephant recently and then the penny dropped! The light came on.

I will share more of this in my next blog.

Alone in the forest and other visions

I kinda feel like I have entered a desert phase again. Up until last week, I had the joy of the Lord literally bubbling from within. My heart skipped, leaped and hopped at life and I could just praise and give thanks to the Lord for every little thing that came my way.

Then suddenly, Bham, stone cold silence. My prayer life has dried up, my little conversations with God are one way and their ain't no joy from this sister!
I have been asking the Lord if its sin that has closed the door, and still the silence.

Last night I was struggling to sleep. I normally do a relaxation technique to help me where I picture a long corridor with lots of doors. As you walk along the corridor you put all your worries, thoughts etc in the rooms, close the door and relax until all the doors are closed. Normally by the end I am peaceful and ready to sleep. However this time, when I got to the end of the corridor, I was suddenly in a forest. I was alone and I was a little child. A rider on a horse came along. It was Jesus. He got off his horse and just hugged me. He hugged me for a long time, then picked me up on the horse and showed me a beautiful horizon scene. Then I was put down in the forest and off He sped on His horse.

This experience left me so tired that I fell asleep very quickly. I have no idea what this means. Was the forest the "desert". Did the hug mean I am with you and you are loved (as I felt very loved). Did the horizon mean that that He was showing me the future and it will get better? And then I was left alone. Does this mean yep, your staying in the desert?The second one recent one I wanted to share was that I was in a dry river bed. I was an elephant and I had to dig deep down to get the water. I asked the Lord to please show me what this meant. The Lord clearly said that I was not to go find another watering hole, but to stay and dig in this dry bed. As I dug I got a little bit of water, and then it disappeared and so I had to keep digging and digging.