A little whine with that moan dear?

Yesterday I was in a rotten mood. I tried to get over it all day and it finally changed at 4pm whilst doing the dishes..... Here is the story!

I have been in struggling in another bout of depression. I think this time its due to my crazy hormones ( period started) and the lack of exercise over this festive season. I need those endorphins!!! With being in a black mood, I tried to keep quiet and not let my tongue lose as it can be a bit acidic as my negative thoughts just want to fly straight out. Yesterday I felt that my thoughts and feelings were justified.

I was angry and resentful at my husband. It was the same old, same old. Why couldn't he ever help me in the kitchen with the dishes or "really help" me tidy up the house? The day before I thought I would just leave the house and leave the dishes and maybe the fairies would miraculously do them, or maybe my hubby would look around and say, "Gosh darling, this house is a pig sty, why don't you put your feet up whilst I do the tidying?". So I woke up to a huge mess, and a husband that wanted to watch the cricket. SA vs Australia in a 5 day test, and SA is now catching up fast and its super exciting......to those interested in Cricket. To me a 5 day test is exciting as watching the grass grow!!!

At 3pm I could not stand it any longer. The house was a bomb heap by now as the kids had gone through every room with a vengeance. Rob had gone to the shops, and I was left alone with it all. AGAIN!!!

So I started with the dishes, packing the dishwasher, and hand washing the rest! My mind kept going over the book I am reading called Love and Respect (will blog about that book.) Men want Respect and Woman want Love and I was thinking that I wouldn't mind a bit of respect either.

I was listening to a Chris Tomlin CD when his words came to life...

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You are I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I chose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be

Those words stopped me in my tracks. I know that I cant change my husband. I have tried and failed. Woman for centuries have tried.....and failed, yet I was still wanting to.
When I heard the above words I realized that I can only change myself. Yes, I already know that, but I guess I had forgotten it. I am called to love. I am called to surrender my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad to Christ. NO, it doesn't mean that I am to allow myself to be a door mat, or allow myself to be taken advantage of ( boundaries are very important), but the person I am meant to be is not the resentful, bitter wife. So I chose there and then to surrender!

The moment I did I felt the burden instantly lift from me. I was free. Totally and utterly free of the resentment, bitterness and anger towards my hubby. Yes, I was still faced with dirty dishes, but that didn't matter any more.

I have a good few friends who are not Christians and struggle to understand that being a Christian is about about relationship with the Almighty. A loving Father that wants us to walk in this freedom. Its not about religion, its about relationship. Having my thoughts transformed again was incredibly humbling. I walk in gratitude today for the fact that I am walking in love with my husband because of Christ.

Thank you Jesus!

T'was the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature stirred, not even a mouse! Well, that is not entirely true. Adam is wailing in his cot, and doesnt feel like sleeping yet, and Rob is watching cricket high lights on TV. Jordan, my sweet little Angel is fast asleep so Father Christmas can bring her, her pressies.

The presents were put in the fire place only now, for fear that Adam would rip them all open!! The milk and biscuits were also placed by the fire place for Father Christmas to eat and be merry later on. I am having such fun with Jordan experiencing her first real Christmas that she properly understands.

Jordan and I are going to go to Church tomorrow morning to say Happy Birthday to Jesus, and to sing Christmas Carols. The guys can hang out together and peel the potatoes for me. I am happy to say that all the prep work is done for the big day tomorrow and all I have to do is shove the Lamb in the oven in the morning!

I wish all of you a blessed Christmas. Let us not forget the "real" reason for celebrating, amongst all the fun of presents, crackers and a decent glass of bubbly.
Enjoy tomorrow!

Blood is life

I have spent thousands of rands, I shudder to think how much, in the last 5 yrs of being ill with Chronic Fatigue.

Last month I tried yet another doctor, as I just never seem to improve. I have been to all sorts of holistic doctors, " normal GP's", each hoping that they have the magic pill. This new doctor treats you by looking at your blood.

With looking at a tiny drop of my blood under a microscope, she could tell so much about me. As she is a holistic doc, my husband was very sceptical. He had had quiet enough of this "hocus pocus" that I believe in.

I have spent the last three weeks drinking strange tea infusions like parsley and green bean, and eating mainly vegetables (with a little meat,I am not a vegetarian and would miss my chicken) and staying away from bread. I was also given some interesting tablets available at the health shop that I could barely pronounce.

Yesterday, I went for another finger prick. The difference was astounding. I was flawed.Gone was most of the uric crystals that make your body acidic, gone was most of the food particles ( meaning the GIT was absorbing like it should) and the little cells where swimming nicely as they should. What amazed me most was the walls of the little red blood cells where thicker and healthier and there where less "dying" cells.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that I am not hopelessly exhausted. Tired all the time, yes, but exhausted NO.

Thank you Jesus! When I think of blood, I think of Christ on the Cross, shedding His blood for me. I now realise that I seriously need to watch what I eat. I had back-slidden badly, eating lots of wheat filled food, and having sugar again in my diet, and not sticking to a high fruit and veg diet. I am not a normal person, and thus cannot eat like a normal person can. I need to keep "my blood" healthy, in order to live the best life possible.
We still have a long way to go, but I feel really positive now.

If anyone suffers from chronic fatigue, I would love to hear from you.

Watering Marigold seeds

Jordan (3) and I planted some Marigold seeds earlier this week. We had such fun digging the little furrows, planting the seeds and watering them. We prayed for Jesus to turn these seeds into beautiful flowers to Glorify His name. (I am really trying to bring Christ into every day life with my kids.)
Everyday so far we have gone to water them and pray over them.

On Thursday they started to sprout. Jordan was so excited and ran up to me saying "mommy mommy come look". Again we thanked Jesus. (Just in time as she got distracted and ran away!)

I love being in my garden, (not that I am very good at gardening!) It brings me such peace.I just want to thank God for His awesome hand in creation. Every where I turn their He is, and creation calls to Him.

and HE replied to today's post.

Isaiah 41.17

Karen, when you search for water and their is none, and your tongue is parched from thirst, THEN, I the Lord will answer you.

I the God of Israel will open up rivers for you.
I will give you fountains of water in the valley.
I will fill the desert with water.

to confirm this He then lead me to Psalm 84 vs5

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion. [2]
6 As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

I looked up the word Baca. It is weeping,suffering or hardship

I know that I am meant to be in this desert. I know that the rain will come.

The difference now is my attitude. It doesn't matter any more, WHEN it will end. I know that it will, I stand firm on the word and I will be like that elephant and dig deeper into the dry river bed for water.

Contemplative prayer and meditation

The road to contemplation is not one of achieving inner silence at all costs by following some technique that creates a kind of emptiness within. If, instead, with a childlike trust we let Christ pray silently within us, then one day we shall discover that the depths of our being is inhabited by His Presence.

I don't often get time to set aside an hour to do this, especially this time of the year, but my aim is to try set at least 1 silent slot per week to contemplate.

I am however big on meditation. This goes hand in hand with contemplation. I try meditate on a memory verse a week. I mull the scripture, chew it, repeat it over and over, until it sinks deep into my soul. I also like to read the scripture from different versions of the bible to try get the full meaning.

I then take this verse and offer it up as a prayer to God. And I try sing about it.

This weeks meditative verse is Is 9 vs 6 Unto us a child is born, unto us a saviour is given.....He will be called Wonderful, councillor, Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father.

Writing this about Jesus gives me such peace. He is my peace! Even in my desert He is my Everlasting Father.

Reflections from the desert

Here is my heart I give it Lord to You
Here is my life I lay it before You
Where else could I go
And what else could I do, if I did not know you?

How deeply I need You my Lord

Like the desert needs the rain......I need You
Like the oceans need the streams.....I need You
Like the morning needs the sun..... I need You

Lord You are my only one
(Darrell Evans)

This echo's my thoughts today.

When I realised God was leading me back into the desert I was angry.
No I was more than angry, I was mad as hell and deeply upset.
Why would He do this to me....again?
Doesn't He know that I have been knocking and knocking on that door, only to get a glimpse of what lay behind it, and now its shut firmly. What kind of loving Father is He?
And so on and so forth went my thoughts.

Then with the desert came the depression.
Come on Lord, give me a break here please.
And with the desert came the chronic fatigue again...and the pain.

Once again I pleaded, Lord give me a break....damn it.

You see, I had been in a beautiful place.
A place where the joy of the Lord was bubbling within me 24/7
I would wake up with a song on my lips and so I would then praise God from that song all day.
I had also been in 24/7 "prayer streaming" mode with Him. We would talk and talk all day and I just basked in the Glow of the Lord....literally.
I could not wait to read the word. Every page came alive for me.

In this phase I just drank deeply from the "well of life" and I loved living.

Now.....argh! The bible is a heavy weight of a book. Prayer is argh...completely dead to me. I have to force myself and remind myself to pray. Force myself to praise Him. My contemplative prayer is gone, as I just have no desire to meditate.

Something in me changed this week end as I pondered over this situation. I remembered the vision of the elephant recently and then the penny dropped! The light came on.

I will share more of this in my next blog.

I emailed a good friend who lives in Australia a recent post of my blog. She said my son looks like cheeky.
Yes,I think I agree on this, that he is going to be a cheeky bugger. Today we went to the shops and Adam went on a little mechanical toy pay ride. You know the type,that goes up and down,(a horse, a car etc)and they last about a minute or so. After the third ride we had to go. Boy oh boy did I see the biggest tantrum yet! These huge tears poured down his chubby cheeks. He tried to curl up in the little car ride and then hugged it. I had to peel him off. He then screamed bloody blue murder for about 5 minutes straight.

I deal with tantrums by ignoring them. Completely! However being in a shopping centre full of Christmas shoppers, this was no easy feat. After a minute or so of screaming, we had begun to attract a small audience.I am sure most of them thought "cant that woman just shut that kid up". I marched him to the ladies toilets, changed his nappy,(he was still screaming), only now it was being echoed through out the stalls, and popped him back into the shopping trolley.

Praise the Lord! My husband arrives. We swop children and head for the nearest exit. Alas no shopping was done today.

What did I learn today. Well I have been praying for patience recently. Today, He gave me the opportunity!! God has a funny sense of humour. Gotta love Him!!

My Christmas present

I have been blogging for a while now and it has been a lonely road. A few days ago I decided to retype in Christian woman blogs, and hey presto, a site called Top 100 Christian blogs popped up. It was as if I had just walked into a treasure chest. Lots of really beautiful sites, rich in Christ and full of experience where unveiled to me. What a joy!

Lord you are so good to me. Thank you for the little blessings you shower me with. Teach me to open my eyes to see more of your gifts you have in store for me. Help me to walk this road with my head up, and not looking at my feet.

the joy of Christmas

Jordan is 3 and a half years old and is now old enough to understand Christmas. It is such a joy to me to see how she plays baby Jesus in the manger with her dolls. Her 3 teddy bears are the cow,lamb and donkey that watch over baby Jesus and Mary. She tried to get Adam to lie in her toy basket as Jesus, but he just gets up and waddles off!! She and I must then sing "away in a manger", "we three kings", and "twinkle twinkle little star". This "rehearsal" for the big day has been going on since early November.

Rob and I decided that we where not going to go big on the presents. We have got them a few nick nacks from Father Christmas, an educational game to teach Jordan to tell the time and some new clothes as she has sprouted, so a few items we added to the list and that is that.

I made the error of getting Advent calendars! These where hand made with little pockets that you pop a sweet into. The second day we had them, a third of the sweeties where gone. A little mouse had neatly eaten the sweets and replaced the wrappers in the pockets. We had to have a little chat about "obedience" after that.

She learnt a little song from school that had me in stitches when I heard it. It goes like this:
Father Christmas
Father Christmas
He got stuck
He got stuck
Coming down the chimney
Coming down the chimney
WHAT BAD LUCK!!

Family

We went to the beach this morning.It was great. Spending time with the family, frolicking in the waves and making sure the baboons didn't eat our picnic was all part of the fun

I looked at my family and realised how blessed I am. I don't often think about this. I take my family for granted a lot, but today I realised how great we are as a family. I thank God for this.

Last night I was in a really foul mood with my husband.I felt unloved, mistreated and ignored. Today I saw that none of this is true! I am very much loved, but I think we just need to communicate more. I dusted off my book Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, and will re-read it as this book is an excellent guide to understanding Martians.

Spiritual Weakling?

I have had a very rough two weeks. My fatigue has been incredibly bad, and I would link that to the stress that I am going through with work. We have had some restructuring of our business and it has been very hard emotionally on me.

I have a little prayer card that I wrote down from Col 3 15-17.

Let the peace of Christ rule in my heart. Let the word of Christ dwell richly in me.

And in whatever I do, in word or deed, I will try do it all in the name of Jesus.

I have not tried to dwell on the issue to much, but being right in the situation, I have had no peace. Time and time I have handed this over to the Lord, but I can honestly say I have not stepped back enough to give it completely over to Him. The crux of the matter is I honestly don't know how to do this.

Why can I totally hand some issues over and others, I dont know how to step away from them?

Its not a trust issue here, but I think perhaps a personality one.Why do I allow myself to get so worked up and upset?

From today I am going to say "Father,I chose to hand today over to you. Teach me to walk in peace through this period."

I took these two pictures on holiday. They are very peaceful. Just looking at them reminds me that our creator made all. How big our God is, and how little my problems are.
God, you are wonderful, loving, merciful, good, just,and kind. Thank you for your patience with me.
Your loving daughter
Karen

Alone in the forest and other visions

I kinda feel like I have entered a desert phase again. Up until last week, I had the joy of the Lord literally bubbling from within. My heart skipped, leaped and hopped at life and I could just praise and give thanks to the Lord for every little thing that came my way.

Then suddenly, Bham, stone cold silence. My prayer life has dried up, my little conversations with God are one way and their ain't no joy from this sister!
I have been asking the Lord if its sin that has closed the door, and still the silence.

Last night I was struggling to sleep. I normally do a relaxation technique to help me where I picture a long corridor with lots of doors. As you walk along the corridor you put all your worries, thoughts etc in the rooms, close the door and relax until all the doors are closed. Normally by the end I am peaceful and ready to sleep. However this time, when I got to the end of the corridor, I was suddenly in a forest. I was alone and I was a little child. A rider on a horse came along. It was Jesus. He got off his horse and just hugged me. He hugged me for a long time, then picked me up on the horse and showed me a beautiful horizon scene. Then I was put down in the forest and off He sped on His horse.

This experience left me so tired that I fell asleep very quickly. I have no idea what this means. Was the forest the "desert". Did the hug mean I am with you and you are loved (as I felt very loved). Did the horizon mean that that He was showing me the future and it will get better? And then I was left alone. Does this mean yep, your staying in the desert?The second one recent one I wanted to share was that I was in a dry river bed. I was an elephant and I had to dig deep down to get the water. I asked the Lord to please show me what this meant. The Lord clearly said that I was not to go find another watering hole, but to stay and dig in this dry bed. As I dug I got a little bit of water, and then it disappeared and so I had to keep digging and digging.

A shitty Christian

I was really bothered on Thursday. A friend came around to visit and while she was there she got a call saying that another friends son had just tragically died. He was taking pictures on the railway line and was hit by the train.

She was really upset by the news. The worst part was that I was so unsympathetic. I have no idea what was wrong with me. I could not comfort her at all, and that is so unlike me! When she left she asked me to please pray for the family. Now as a Christian, I should have been the one to offer to pray, not the other way around.

That evening, in my quiet time of worship. I spoke to the Lord about this, and this cold hearted spirit that I had towards this situation. I could not even pray in words for the bereaved family, and so I prayed in the spirit as I still had no feelings.

It really upset me as to why I would be like this.

Anyone felt like this, or can offer some sane advice?

Celebration of Woman of God

I received an evaluation form to fill out in which I had to evaluate our small ladies Mentoring group, and If I felt "Mentoring ladies" had had an impact in my life this year. At first, I didn't really think so, and I didn't have much to write about.

On Wednesday evening I went to our Mentoring Ladies end of year Gala. Almost all the ladies from the small groups where there, about 90 of us. After supper, it was time to hear various ladies testimonies. The topic was exactly what I was struggling to write about in my evaluation form. I heard about 15 woman thank God. Marriages and relationships had been restored, friendships had blossomed and grown, relationships with the Lord had deepened, hearts had been healed etc. I was so touched as I listened that the tears poured down my cheeks and I kept blowing my nose like a fog horn.
The Lord was stripping pride and, I had been gently reminded of Gods love for us. Isn't God Great! He is such a restorer.

He reminded me of my first mentoring group I had joined. I was a very broken woman, carrying lots of hurt from the past, and to be honest I was a prickily thorn. This small group created a safe place for me to lower high walls and to begin to experience the Father heart of God.

Now I no longer walk in shame,condemnation and with severe insecurities. I am a changed woman, set free by the blood of Jesus, and it was through mentoring this change occured. I look back at our group this year, and realise how much I have helped others in my group. From a needy woman, I have been able to help those in need.So, as I am about to fill in my evaluation form,I have got a good report to write down.

Full of Pride

I had to go drop off some files at my accountant, and so I thought afterwards I would have some "me" time by getting a cuppachino at "Betty's little coffee shop" nearby, and reading my latest book, "The practise of the presence of God". Well, by the time I got to page eight I was wiping the tears away, and could not go any further. As I was reading how humble this monk was, and how in utterly everything, and I mean everything, he gave what ever he was thinking and doing over to God, the Lord just showed me things in my life that need serious adjustment. PRIDE, PRIDE PRIDE. Its never fun when the creator of the universe says, "Karen, you think too highly of yourself". Kinda knocks you sideways!
As I was reading, I watched this old man, watching me intensely! I would read a bit, cry a bit, blow my nose, scribble a bit, on a post it pad I found in my bag, and then pick up the book and then read a bit more. As I said I didn't get very far, closing it at page 8.

I do know that I want to know God the way Brother Lawrence knew God.
I know that I say I want to submit it all to Him, but I don't, but I really want to...make sense?
I know that the more I seek him the more painful it is. The more we seek him, the more we get what we wish for! He puts circumstances in our lives that change us. I feel like I am constantly rubbing up against a cheese grater, yet I keep saying more.........I want to be more like Christ.

Any one wanting to share with me?

Breaking out of the Mould

On Monday night I went to my mentoring woman's group,(these are small groups which gets together every two weeks/month to fellowship and go through a book/dvd that our church recommends etc.)

I dont usually open or close these meetings in prayer, nor do I often prayer aloud as I never feel completely comfortable. On Sunday night I finished the book " Listening to God" by Joyce Huggett. In her last chapter she urges the reader to not copy someone else's prayer style. Suddenly it dawned on me, this is why I have always felt uncomfortable. It wasn't about prayer, nor about praying aloud, it was that the style is completely different to how I pray alone. I never pray long winded prayer requests, so no wonder I felt tongue tied all the time.
I nervously asked if I could open the group in prayer. I asked everyone to please be still for 5 minutes and pray in their heart. I just prayed aloud, asking God to meet with us as HE feels fit, and then we went silent.

I could feel the ticking of the clock get louder and louder, and my heart started beating faster and faster. I tried to quieten my mind and just focus on the cross, and what it symbolizes for me.
Well, nothing profound happened to me nor anyone else during those 5 minutes, and so the meeting started. Towards the end of the meeting, as a friend was sharing what the chapter in our study book meant for her, the Lord gave me a very clear vision for her. I asked God to please show me scripture to back it up, and He did.

Now I knew without a doubt that if I had not been "still" and had not been brave enough to ask our group to pray differently I would not have been given this encounter to bless my friend.

My prayer tonight is Lord, teach me how to be humble. To know that I am the pot and your are the potter. To learn that as I venture forth in this direction, I am to always place you First. It is so easy to let my pride get in the way, and so to take my eyes off Christ. I ask this in Jesus name. Amen.

My aim in life......practice the presence of God

I have just started the book Practice the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence

My desire is to be continually in God's presence throughout the day. I do pretty well doing this, doing menial tasks that don't involve thinking, such as house work, gardening, or walking on the treadmill, but once I sit down in my office to work, my brain switches to work mode and stays like that.

Hopefully this book will share some insight into how to incorporate secular and my faith all day long.

The Lord is my Shepard

I was so tired yet could not sleep so I started meditating.

I meditated on a few verses of Psalm 23. I pictured myself as a sheep being lead to green pastures. I visualised laying under a big shady tree, feeling the cool grass on my skin. I heard a stream running close by.I just rested and rested under that tree.

I kept thinking about the Shepard looking after me, and I did not need to worry about anything whilst I rested a while.
It was such a peaceful experience. I think I rested more in that state, than I would have had I been sleeping.

Thank you Jesus that you really are my good Shepard. I wish I could feel such utter peace every day and not let worldly worries get to me. My prayer today is that I look to you in my day to day activities and focus on what is good, pure and true, walking in peace and love, especially with my husband and my kids. Amen.

The pilgrimage

The path I am on is not a new path at all, but in this day and age it seems new as the practices are not very common today.

When I first felt called to prayer, I felt that I was doing something wrong as I wanted to pray in silence, and so I have been lead towards contemplative prayer, which is embracing that silence and learning to Listen to God.

I began to be a regular church goer about 6 yrs ago. I had been brought up a Catholic but when I went to a Charismatic church one day, I felt as if I had truly "come home". I loved the vibrancy of the worship and the pastors where so down to earth and real. Under this church I have grown to know and love the Lord with all my heart.

Now, as I am being called to stillness, meditation, fasting and other old disciplines, I wonder am I being lead way from the Charismatic, or am I meant to embrace both?

Last night I prayed that I would have the strength to go to church today. I woke up tired, but not exhausted, so I am thrilled. I want to meet God today. I want to go with a sense of expectation, expecting........

The fire is out.

Where my soul once rejoiced with joy now I am flat with exhaustion.
The fire has died.
The warm coals have turned to cold ash, and all that is left in the hearth is the remains of what once was.

If I have sinned, show me the error of my ways so I may repend and be brought back into your council.

Lord, we seemed so close on holiday. You spoke reams and volumes to me. Your word was alive and everything seemed to jump out the pages.

Now I feel like I am falling apart.
I cannot go on like this with this constant utter exhaustion.
My emotions are drained.
I cant even have our continuous daily chats as I am so tired.
My brain has literally switched off.

I am scared.
I need you.
You feel so close, yet so far, and I dont like that feeling.
My prayer life has dried up.

Its been a week now and I want to turn back the clock.
I am desperate for you Lord.
Lord, Lord, Father, Help!

Dog tired

Okay so I am now back home from leave and more tired than ever, so go figure! I thought I would come back refreshed, with a spring in my step. Today I came to the conclusion that its time to see the Dr again, as I am just not winning here.

Putting the health issue aside, I wanted to share the following:
The great thing about driving alot on holiday is that you have time, lots of time. I used my time to read the Word, and the some books which I feel a new direction God is leading me towards. I am currently reading "Listening to God" bu Joyce Huggett; "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster and Becoming a Prayer Warrior by Elizabeth Alves. All three are meaty books which take loads to time to ponder and digest.

I know I am being called to prayer. This is not something new, I have known this for years. The problem is that I am like a horse biting on the champ and wanting to run ahead of God. Kinda like saying, okay Lord, you have put this desire in my heart, who, when how etc are we going to pray for today, lets get a programme going and lets get started.Go, go, go!!! However God has not released me and in fact I feel as if I have been reigned in, so to speak and so I get fustrated and think maybe its all in my mind.

The biggest calling I have at the moment is to " Be still and know that I am God". I am being called to stillness. Stillness in prayer, stillness in my work life, my marriage, in fact everything. Now for a doer, this is the hardest thing I have had to do. It has taken me ages to cotton onto what God is saying and most of the time I dont think I get it right. Partly as I have no idea how to be "a Mary". To just sit still at the foot of the father! To just gaze into the eyes of Jesus and know how deeply I am loved.
The other part of being still is listening. Listening and learning. And with learning comes change.

I am now tired so I am going to log off. Chat tomorrow about change........

The Authority of Christ

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Authority of Christ

Last night I had a real break through in my prayer life.
I had a symbolic vision of a side of a house being built a while ago and the cement had dried firmly, but it had taken a long time. I sensed that if weight had been placed on it earlier on, it would have collapsed. This symbolized my faith. I may have desired to move forward in my prayer life (as this is my gifting area), but the Lord knew I was not ready.

In my quiet time last night I was praying and was lead to 2 Cor 4:13. It is written- I believed therefore I have spoken, with the same spirit of faith, we believe and therefore we speak.
That verse was a revelation scripture for me and I was filled with such authority as never before and a real step up in a new level of faith. Up to vs 18, was confirmation of what I have been wrestling with for the last few weeks. When I went into warfare prayer later on, I spoke with such conviction and authority as never before. I had always struggled in warfare prayer as even though the Word says we have the authority to pull down principalites and cast out demons and more, in Jesus' name, I just did not believe that I could and when I tried to I just felt phony. This was the first time that I knew that I knew that I am victorious in Christ, and if felt great.

Afterwards I just thanked God and gave Him the praise and Glory, called him Jehovah Nisi, for He really was my victorious banner.