Monday, January 31, 2011

Transforming your mind

Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12.2

After my emotional outburst last week, I started to read The power of a praying woman as well. I loved it when Stormie Omartian says "We do not have to entertain every thought in our head. Ask yourself, are these thoughts I would chose?". Something in what she said struck home. The fact that I was so filled with hatred towards myself that evening was not thoughts that I would chose. However these thoughts have found a home, and have become part of me. I certainly do not wish to harbour this kind of thinking and so some serious reprogramming needs to happen here.

As I had begun to ponder and pray over this, God was faithfully working behind the scenes. I sat in church today and the series we started was, " The power of a positive you." Isn't God good! Our pastors started out by saying, " an attitude adjustment comes when we change how we think. Reprogramme your mind. Renew your mind".
2 Cor 10.5 is something i need to put into practice. " We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".I realised that thoughts of the past often pop into my head. With these thoughts come the memories of that moment, and I had inadvertently began to relive them. For example, I would remember an incident that I was not proud of, of how I acted, or spoke, and then would compare myself to a young lady I know very well. This young lady is wonderfully mature and has her feet firmly planted on the ground, and compare how immature and foolish I was. This playback has begun to happen at least three times a week, maybe more, and even though I had tried to replace this playback with whom I am today ( the old man vs the new man), it had not helped. Now I am ready to use scripture to stand firm against the enemy.

Straight away thoughts of how I should have be doing this as I am not a immature Christian spring to mind. The enemy is quick. But God is faithful, constant and loving and is completely opposite to Satan who tries to pollute my mind with junk.

I will keep you posted on how it goes!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Being kind to myself day

Okay, I dont hate myself  today. I am past yesterdays' hectic emotional experience. So, today I tried to be kind to myself.
I woke up at 6am very sore. Stress does that to me. Sat down to have my quiet time and thought I would pass out i felt so horrible.Went back to bed and arose an hour later to  have a mustard bath. I have been on a go slow the whole day, with energy levels very low. But I did manage to find some time today to have a quiet time, and to start to pray into the prayer list i started. So far on the list its the kids, and my health.

The good news is that today was my second headache free day. I am now very sure that its because of my visit to the chiropractor. I have another visit tomorrow. This is really good news as i was not happy about going on Amatriptiline. My body does not need more medication. However, on that note, my one year waiting period for my medical aid is up and now they will start to pay for my chronic meds. Plus, I am also now entitled to 2 secialist visits a year on the PMB's ( perscribed minumum benifits) programme, so that is going to be a huge savings for me.

Managed to get to gym today. Nothing to hectic, but it was good to do some excercise.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Overwhelmed and in despair

Bad news has come. The person who put an offer in on our house, her sale of her home has fallen through, meaning our sale of our home has fallen through.
 I am so upset. Our house was put on the market in December, which is not a great time to sell. We took an offer from the first person that saw the house, and we were ecstatic. Over Christmas and New Year, not much happened and we went away on holiday as well. Our buyer took an offer on her home  and it was looking all great and her purchaser had given a healthy deposit and we were told its basically a done deal, our house is sold. We were just waiting for his bond to be approved. In the mean while all marketing efforts on our home ceased. Now its the end of Jan and we are back to square one. That in itself is still okay. The problem lies in the fact that we went ahead and put an offer on a house, and we cannot pull out of it. I feel sick to my stomach for "jumping the gun".

The worst thing is that I completely hate myself right now. I know this is an awful thing to say, but i really do, and i am in such despair. Rob never felt comfortable putting in the offer, and as another couple had made an offer on "our new home", I pushed him to sign the contract.
I feel like Eve, giving Adam the apple to eat, knowing that its forbidden fruit. Yes, i know that Rob is a grown up and made the decision for himself to go ahead, like Adam did, but it doesn't change the way I feel right now.

At the moment, I cant even pray. Why, cause I feel that I am asking for "a get out of jail free card". The verse
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.   And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. keeps coming to mind.
However at the moment, there is no thanks giving here right now. I just cant muster it up, to be honest with you.

The diet also went out the window. Ended up binging out on peanut butter sandwiches.

This pic tells it like it is.  My "armour" is bruised and dented and lots of fiery arrows have hit there target.

Maybe I just need a good sleep, and tomorrow, I will be able to stand strong again. Maybe I just needed to vent. Wont know until tomorrow.

Dear God, will you  watch over me tonight and help me be not so hard on myself.

Monday, January 24, 2011

This weeks goals

Last night I sat down and wrote what I wanted for this week, my goals and my aims. This was a confirmation for me as yesterdays sermon was about changing your mind set, which is exactly what my resolutions are about, changing my old ways.
On the financial side, my stock take is revealing scary stuff. I spend far too much money! I have now started a file and am not only recording my expenses, I am filing them. So far the weekly shop isn't working out and I still went daily to buy groceries. This is a very bad habit that I must change. So, I have decided that Rob is to do this week's shopping. LI will keep you posted on that one!

The kids behaviour is still terrible and I want to change this. Lately I have been reacting to them and not taking action.I had a serious heart to heart with the Lord, and  have prayed very hard over this and was shown that if I do not partner up with Him, then I am going to end up being a screaming fish wife and have not so loving kids. I have recommitted myself to God in this area and to daily praying over them, and have given the kids over to Him. I promise you, that the moment I did that, my burden was instantly lifted!

Me, well that is fine. This week's aims is no grain in my diet. Gym: x5 this week. Aim: I really want to be very fit this year.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Tracking my expenses

January is not my favorite time of the month when it comes to expenses. The bills keep coming in and its pretty scary.
 I am trying to become better with my finances, keeping records of payments and accounts etc. I used to be very diligent, but for the last few years have become very slack in the admin department. So, here I sit, opening and filing bills, and recording those monthly ones on an excel spreadsheet,I also need to check my bank statements, as I dont. By doing this, I am sure I am going to get a shock on how much money flies out the window that I have not taken stock off. Just looking at last months statements, the amount of times I went to Woolworths and Pick n Pay was incredible. Almost daily. I really aim this year to bring it down to a weekly shop.
I also need to seriously cut down on my spending. I confess that I am an emotional shopper and buy wants, rather than needs. The first step is to track. Track everything and then trim.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Days from Hell

Just returned from holiday last night, and had tons of stuff to do today. The maid didnt arrive, and the thought of doing a truck load of washing didnt appeal to me. Decided to post phone to later. Work should come first.

Got up, and went to my breakfast nook, bible and journal in hand. Sat down to write this years goals and resolutions.
Goal 1. Aim to have daily quiet time with the Lord, just Him and me and the bible. So, started to read 13 Jan of my 365 day bible. Decided that I couldn't start on day 13, and so started on day 1. Reading about creation of the earth made me very uneasy. Since teaching my son about dinosaurs and learning about Pre-man, i cant figure out where MAN comes into the creation time line. I do not believe I come from an ape, however, for years now, I have just put my head in the sand like an ostrich and refused to even look at evolution. 
Dinosaurs existed, pre-man existed, its not made up. Skeletons don't lie.To be honest with you, the answers I get from the church, and i say church in general, being today's Christian leaders, doesn't cut the mustard, and so I journaled my thougths on this subject.  But I wont get ahead of myself, that is for another blog post.

Goal 2.Aim to cut down on personal financial spending. Planning to do a budget review, track 3 months worth of till slips and have a detailed look at my spending habits.
Goal 3. Journal more.

And, that was the start to my morning. Nice and quiet. And that is where it ended. The reign of terror by the children had begun.
Mid-morning, i had a meeting. Put the Blue Planet DVD on for the kids and after 1/2hr i heard the bathroom taps on.  I just sweetly apologise and excuse myself. The kids were cleaning the bathroom. Sounds nice and lovely, but believe me, it wasn't. The soap was everywhere and so was the water. Rob continues the meeting while i do damage control. Threaten to beat kids until next Tuesday, and put them back in front of TV. 10 min later i discover to my horror that they have gotton hold of Jordans nail polish. Jordan has painted Adams toes. Yes, all the toes have polish right up to his feet. He looks like he has vienna's for toes now. But wait, there is now nail polish all over my white duvet and bed side table. Freak out, and start wondering what valium tastes like and if i could get it delivered RIGHT NOW!

 Have to seperate kids. Clearly threats of being knocked into next week didnt help. Whilst giving Jordan the third degree in her room, Adam has now opened a tub of vaseline and is trying to remove his vienna toes with it. Oh God, Oh God, I pray. Please help me! I start taking some deep breathes, and silently grab a towel. I really dont have the time to look for a kitchen towel.Oh no, its a white one. Quickly run to the kids bathroom, almost slipping killing myself on the soapy wet floor to get a dark towel. Try get most of the vaseline off. Adam goes outside. Phew. Jordan is back watching the Blue Planet dvd. Back to the meeting. Thank heavens its all going well, but I am the one who is supposed to be chairing it. I notice from the corner of my eye that Adam is watering the garden. Yes, thats wonderful! It will keep him busy. Half way through the meeting and its all going well now.

Oh no, Adam has now moved from the plants to spraying the windows and the front door is open. Water is everywhere. The entire front entrance floor is sopping. I leap up, and dash for more towels. Where are those dark towels. Cant find them, so rush to bedroom to fetch the sticky vaseline ones. My blood pressure is sky high by now and I am hyper venterlating. Bugger those deep breathing techniques.

After feeding kids toast and getting Adam to run errands with Rob, Jordan is now trying to do her ABC's with me in the office. I refuse to now have any kids out of sight. After ABC's she spots the shredder and I let her shred all the scrap paper we can find in the office. So, far all is going well.

17.00 and start supper. I have forgotten to lock the office door and Adam has wondered in and found the shredded paper. His eyes must have lit up as if he had found treasure. I find him strewing shredded paper all over the passage. Since I didnt lock the door, I calmly pick it all up. Kids 5- Karen 0.

Have now over steamed the broccoli and its runined. To bad. We will eat it, i say! Rob now realises that I have totally lost the plot. Takes the kids to the shops. Comes home with popcorn and the Oceans movie. God Bless him!

Great movie, and as the film crew spend 2 months on our boat filming seals and sharks, we eagerly watch to see what they have included. I am super thrilled to see my name in the credits. False Bay logistics Manager: Karen Lawrence.