Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Overwhelmed and in despair

Bad news has come. The person who put an offer in on our house, her sale of her home has fallen through, meaning our sale of our home has fallen through.
 I am so upset. Our house was put on the market in December, which is not a great time to sell. We took an offer from the first person that saw the house, and we were ecstatic. Over Christmas and New Year, not much happened and we went away on holiday as well. Our buyer took an offer on her home  and it was looking all great and her purchaser had given a healthy deposit and we were told its basically a done deal, our house is sold. We were just waiting for his bond to be approved. In the mean while all marketing efforts on our home ceased. Now its the end of Jan and we are back to square one. That in itself is still okay. The problem lies in the fact that we went ahead and put an offer on a house, and we cannot pull out of it. I feel sick to my stomach for "jumping the gun".

The worst thing is that I completely hate myself right now. I know this is an awful thing to say, but i really do, and i am in such despair. Rob never felt comfortable putting in the offer, and as another couple had made an offer on "our new home", I pushed him to sign the contract.
I feel like Eve, giving Adam the apple to eat, knowing that its forbidden fruit. Yes, i know that Rob is a grown up and made the decision for himself to go ahead, like Adam did, but it doesn't change the way I feel right now.

At the moment, I cant even pray. Why, cause I feel that I am asking for "a get out of jail free card". The verse
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.   And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. keeps coming to mind.
However at the moment, there is no thanks giving here right now. I just cant muster it up, to be honest with you.

The diet also went out the window. Ended up binging out on peanut butter sandwiches.

This pic tells it like it is.  My "armour" is bruised and dented and lots of fiery arrows have hit there target.

Maybe I just need a good sleep, and tomorrow, I will be able to stand strong again. Maybe I just needed to vent. Wont know until tomorrow.

Dear God, will you  watch over me tonight and help me be not so hard on myself.

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