The chalk board

 I wrote yesterdays bible verse on my chalk board. I have a big chalk board painted  on my kitchen wall as I had become very forgetful since having kids. It looks very trendy and the kids love doodling on it. I am going to look at the verse all the time ( i have been doing so already), and this is my mediation verse for as long as it is necessary.

I phoned the Dr, and we are going to have a chat on Monday. I think that perhaps my bipolar med need to be adjusted for this period.

On Sunday I planned this weeks menu. I have never done that before. One of my new years resolutions was to stop going to the shops all the time. I tried to match meals where I could use the veg from the one day to the next. ie spare carrots into the pie etc. Another resoultion was to introduce more veg into our meals, and pre planning seemed the best way to do it.
Last night I made a chicken and veg pie. It was awful. I was more than disappointed as it took a great deal of effort to do. The chicken stock was so overpowering that it spoilt everything and so the dogs got the supper and we got to eat the rice. I then had to make everyone scrambled eggs!

Rob cooked spaghetti Bolognase. Cant go wrong with that, except Jordan knocked hers all over the floor. Happy dogs again tonight!

Well, guess what! its 8pm, and my show starts in 30 min. I am going to read the bible now. The best part is that I want to.

Praise be to God!

Are the rainy days set to stay?

Are the rainy days set to stay?

Woke up. The rain cloud was still there, lurking ominously over my head.

I went for a walk this morning to try lift my spirit. Hoping that the little cloud would part a bit and allow some sunshine in for the day.

I had a song in my head. " in your presence that's where I belong', so I began using it as a mantra, talking to my self, reminding myself who I was and where I belonged.

The walk was good. I could feel the blood circulating my system as I briskly walked the neighbourhood.

Got home and immediately had to deal with some problems with the bank, and the darkness came crashing in as I became angry with my situation.

We worship a God who doesn't shout out the answers, but who is gentle and kind. I don't believe in co-incidence when it comes to Him. Everything God does is for a reason.

I sat down at my computer and checked my emails. My daily verse had come in: It was from Psalm 16:

It read: Lord you teach me the way of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy.

Now if that isn't confirmation of what he is whispering to me then what is?

Riding the storm

I have been quiet lately as I have just been going through some hectic stuff (a lot inside my head), and I have been to tired to blog.

Last Saturday I had a frank conversation with God. It was our usual one way conversation,with him being so quiet still (but oh so active!!) and me doing all the talking.
I had come to the end of myself with my health. (Isn't that funny, as I kept thinking haven't I done that already). Once again I handed it to him and decided that I was not going to fight it. I was "done" fighting and trying to get better my way, and that I had accepted that Jesus will heal me when the time is right.

So the next day, surprise surprise, I was sick as a dog, and I have pretty much remained that way until Friday. I made another doc appointment, in case I needed antibiotics as my glands where swollen like golf balls and I could barely swallow.

I go home really depressed and for this entire week have been in Psalm 22. In fact I could have written it myself. All week I have cried out to God for help. The kind of on your knees praying or curled up in a ball praying, desperate pleas from a desperately seeking Karen.

I know He hears me. I have no doubt in that at all. I also know that I am meant to be here, stuck in this "Feeling like" God Forsaken, but not forsaken desert.But its painful.Really really painful.

Been reading a bit of Brother Lawrence, (Its a book I cant read through quickly and so sometimes,I just read a page here and a page there.)and is what prompted me to "lay it all down again".

So that is where I am. Today I am looking up and looking forward. Today I am tired but its a good day.

Resurfacing

I want to share how I have been feeling this past week. Feeling like death warmed up is terribly hard on one's soul.I am constantly thinking about myself, and I hate it. I hate being the centre of my attention. I hate forgetting about God. It hurts so much. The truth of the matter is that I have been too tired....too tired even for God!

And then at the end of the day, the doubts set in. Like the comical devil on the left shoulder and the angel on my right, my thoughts start to wage a war in my head. The "little devil" would have a go, bringing me down, telling me what a crap Christian I am, how I don't measure up, how if my hearts desire is "prayer streaming 24/7" and meditation, how can I not bother to even do a little prayer. The "little angel" will try talk sense, try telling me that falling asleep whilst praying brings such joy to God. Would I berate my child for falling asleep in my lap? It is that thought I have been clinging too all week.

Today during "nap time", I drew comfort to a few comments from Joyce Huggett's "Open to God". I quote... Real faith sets in reservations, doubts and misgivings on one side and takes God at his word when he says that he loves us. Real Faith goes further. It stakes its life on trustworthiness and promises of God. But such is Gods love that he woos to himself not just those who expect that he will fulfil all his promises, but also the doubters: those whose faith is no bigger than a mustard seed.

This hit home. My blog url is wateringmustardseeds. God is continually watering my little mustard seed, even when I feel useless,not just when I feel super strong.

He wants me just to love Him when I feel this way. And I do!! I love him unashamedly. I may not be able to meditate, or contemplate, but I can quieten my heart and just love Him. Not wanting anything in return.

And so, that is what I did............ Ahhh such peace!!!

and HE replied to today's post.

Isaiah 41.17

Karen, when you search for water and their is none, and your tongue is parched from thirst, THEN, I the Lord will answer you.

I the God of Israel will open up rivers for you.
I will give you fountains of water in the valley.
I will fill the desert with water.

to confirm this He then lead me to Psalm 84 vs5

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion. [2]
6 As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

I looked up the word Baca. It is weeping,suffering or hardship

I know that I am meant to be in this desert. I know that the rain will come.

The difference now is my attitude. It doesn't matter any more, WHEN it will end. I know that it will, I stand firm on the word and I will be like that elephant and dig deeper into the dry river bed for water.