Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I want to share how I have been feeling this past week. Feeling like death warmed up is terribly hard on one's soul.I am constantly thinking about myself, and I hate it. I hate being the centre of my attention. I hate forgetting about God. It hurts so much. The truth of the matter is that I have been too tired....too tired even for God!
And then at the end of the day, the doubts set in. Like the comical devil on the left shoulder and the angel on my right, my thoughts start to wage a war in my head. The "little devil" would have a go, bringing me down, telling me what a crap Christian I am, how I don't measure up, how if my hearts desire is "prayer streaming 24/7" and meditation, how can I not bother to even do a little prayer. The "little angel" will try talk sense, try telling me that falling asleep whilst praying brings such joy to God. Would I berate my child for falling asleep in my lap? It is that thought I have been clinging too all week.
Today during "nap time", I drew comfort to a few comments from Joyce Huggett's "Open to God". I quote... Real faith sets in reservations, doubts and misgivings on one side and takes God at his word when he says that he loves us. Real Faith goes further. It stakes its life on trustworthiness and promises of God. But such is Gods love that he woos to himself not just those who expect that he will fulfil all his promises, but also the doubters: those whose faith is no bigger than a mustard seed.
This hit home. My blog url is wateringmustardseeds. God is continually watering my little mustard seed, even when I feel useless,not just when I feel super strong.
He wants me just to love Him when I feel this way. And I do!! I love him unashamedly. I may not be able to meditate, or contemplate, but I can quieten my heart and just love Him. Not wanting anything in return.
And so, that is what I did............ Ahhh such peace!!!