Reflections from the desert

Here is my heart I give it Lord to You
Here is my life I lay it before You
Where else could I go
And what else could I do, if I did not know you?

How deeply I need You my Lord

Like the desert needs the rain......I need You
Like the oceans need the streams.....I need You
Like the morning needs the sun..... I need You

Lord You are my only one
(Darrell Evans)

This echo's my thoughts today.

When I realised God was leading me back into the desert I was angry.
No I was more than angry, I was mad as hell and deeply upset.
Why would He do this to me....again?
Doesn't He know that I have been knocking and knocking on that door, only to get a glimpse of what lay behind it, and now its shut firmly. What kind of loving Father is He?
And so on and so forth went my thoughts.

Then with the desert came the depression.
Come on Lord, give me a break here please.
And with the desert came the chronic fatigue again...and the pain.

Once again I pleaded, Lord give me a break....damn it.

You see, I had been in a beautiful place.
A place where the joy of the Lord was bubbling within me 24/7
I would wake up with a song on my lips and so I would then praise God from that song all day.
I had also been in 24/7 "prayer streaming" mode with Him. We would talk and talk all day and I just basked in the Glow of the Lord....literally.
I could not wait to read the word. Every page came alive for me.

In this phase I just drank deeply from the "well of life" and I loved living.

Now.....argh! The bible is a heavy weight of a book. Prayer is argh...completely dead to me. I have to force myself and remind myself to pray. Force myself to praise Him. My contemplative prayer is gone, as I just have no desire to meditate.

Something in me changed this week end as I pondered over this situation. I remembered the vision of the elephant recently and then the penny dropped! The light came on.

I will share more of this in my next blog.